Top 5: Things Ladies Do to Prepare for Coitus
Another contribution recently. Also, Grandma, again, turn off the computer. themetrics: 1. Fart. A lot. Just get it all out. But like a lady, so curtsy a little. 2. Bleach lady holes. 3. Eat a lot of pineapple and kiwi because we read somewhere that those fruits make our lady twats taste yummy. 4. Practice fellatio on carrots. All ladies do this all of the time. 5. Nothing. We are ladies....
Top 5: Things I Did Last Night Instead of Having...
One of my latest contributions to The Metrics. Sorry, Kevin, I’ve been quiet for awhile. Also, Grandma, if you’re reading this, just turn off the computer now and don’t turn it back on for, like, a week. themetrics: 1. Ate several undercooked brownies as the frosting for week-old cake. 2. Watched South Park. Naked. 3. Did some lunges. 4. Pulled out a really long chin hair...
Johnny "Daddy" Walker
So I am working on a new fiction (gasp!) story about a sleazy 10-year-old named Johnny “Daddy” Walker and all of the crime that he fights in his corrupted city. Here is just a taste of it and see if you can find the Star Wars reference! First person gets a pie. Enjoy :) Johnny “Daddy” Walker vs. The T&A Squad Lady Cunt, the evil madame of the drive-thru brothel, The Slut Hut,...
Teddy Roosevelt is quickly sliding into my Top 3 Fave Presidents slots since I’ve been reading The Quiet World by Douglas Brinkley. I love him so much I want a dog named TR.
That moment when you realize the stuff you write and further post on the internet is pointless unless you stick your tits in between paragraphs; then again, my tits may be irrelevant within 5 minutes, as in “Oh, another pair of tits,” and, therefore, reinforces that idea that maybe all of you are pointless to begin with. … Did I already mention I was there?
Vote or Die?: An Essay on How No One Looks Out for...
It’s like that Eddie Izzard joke: cake or death? You rarely ever hear someone actually choose death, unless they’re joking, of course, because everyone loves cake. So then it’s like that Marie Antoinette saying, “Let them eat cake.” And, let’s face it, she was a child and a moron and is now a theme for sweet sixteen parties and celebrity weddings which only beckons the question: what presidential...