My Imaginary Coolness
I was leaning too far forward in my chair when it fell on top of me, smashing into my head, its wheels clanging against the back of the desk. When a coworker yelled down to me asking if I was okay my response was only to shout as loudly as possible, “Nothing happened! This isn’t real!” As if this is a normal response. Although it sounded more like...
Soft kitty, warm kitty
Caught my mom talking to herself as she read an article about a cat being evicted from a hotel. She was circling her cursor over the cat’s face, like she was petting it, like it was enjoying her warmth. I was more surprised that my mom could find an article online about animals without being referred to a porn site.
Today, in shipping news:
That moment when you realize you and your baby sister are adults discussing proper shipping of a cadaver (no used boxes, transit forms in packing slips, don’t ever open the box or TSA will fuck you up, etc.) … This happens more often than you’d think. And we can go on for a whole half hour sometimes.
The Mickey Mouse Diary →
So sometimes I write these inappropriate letters ….
Truth or Dare
I ran into an old classmate/ex best friend today. And she snidely waved at me. If you can call it that. If that is possible. I was shopping at Target and she now works at the Starbucks in that Target and when she saw me exiting the premises she lifted her skeleton hand and waved in that way where her face is saying Fuck you, I work at The Target Starbucks and now that we are no longer friends I am...
I should just be old and sassy.
It’s always on a Saturday around 4pm. I was reading Sedaris, last week it was Jeffrey Eugenides, and some time before that (probably back in August) it was Vowell and Didion, and I had to stop reading momentarily because it just so happened to be an afternoon in November where silence is somehow a treasured and misplaced convenience, like a corkscrew or the can opener. And you’d assume...