February 2012
3 posts
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All The Single Ladies ...
A few minutes ago as I walked past my mother’s office showing off my newly microwaved burrito …
Me: Gas station burrito, be jealous! Mom: Ooh it’s so big… Me: Yeah, they call it THE BOMB … because there’s gonna be a bomb in my pants later. Glad to know I’m still incredibly sexy.
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Top 5: Things Ladies Do to Prepare for Coitus
Another contribution recently. Also, Grandma, again, turn off the computer.
themetrics:
1. Fart. A lot. Just get it all out. But like a lady, so curtsy a little.
2. Bleach lady holes.
3. Eat a lot of pineapple and kiwi because we read somewhere that those fruits make our lady twats taste yummy.
4. Practice fellatio on carrots. All ladies do this all of the time.
5. Nothing. We are ladies....
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Top 5: Things I Did Last Night Instead of Having...
One of my latest contributions to The Metrics. Sorry, Kevin, I’ve been quiet for awhile. Also, Grandma, if you’re reading this, just turn off the computer now and don’t turn it back on for, like, a week.
themetrics:
1. Ate several undercooked brownies as the frosting for week-old cake.
2. Watched South Park. Naked.
3. Did some lunges.
4. Pulled out a really long chin hair...
January 2012
6 posts
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Johnny "Daddy" Walker
So I am working on a new fiction (gasp!) story about a sleazy 10-year-old named Johnny “Daddy” Walker and all of the crime that he fights in his corrupted city. Here is just a taste of it and see if you can find the Star Wars reference! First person gets a pie.
Enjoy :)
Johnny “Daddy” Walker vs. The T&A Squad
Lady Cunt, the evil madame of the drive-thru brothel, The Slut Hut,...
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Teddy Roosevelt is quickly sliding into my Top 3 Fave Presidents slots since I’ve been reading The Quiet World by Douglas Brinkley. I love him so much I want a dog named TR.
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That moment when you realize the stuff you write and further post on the internet is pointless unless you stick your tits in between paragraphs; then again, my tits may be irrelevant within 5 minutes, as in “Oh, another pair of tits,” and, therefore, reinforces that idea that maybe all of you are pointless to begin with.
… Did I already mention I was there?
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Vote or Die?: An Essay on How No One Looks Out for...
It’s like that Eddie Izzard joke: cake or death? You rarely ever hear someone actually choose death, unless they’re joking, of course, because everyone loves cake. So then it’s like that Marie Antoinette saying, “Let them eat cake.” And, let’s face it, she was a child and a moron and is now a theme for sweet sixteen parties and celebrity weddings which only beckons the question: what presidential...
December 2011
1 post
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Fake Celebrity News →
I have added a new element to my project, The Mickey Mouse Diary: Fake Celebrity News! Currently I have two fun and fake articles up, drawings by yours truly thanks to MS Paint, but my friend Max is going to be collaborating with me on the art! You can check out his stuff here, and check out fake news about fake people!
November 2011
7 posts
3 tags
My Imaginary Coolness
I was leaning too far forward in my chair when it fell on top of me, smashing into my head, its wheels clanging against the back of the desk. When a coworker yelled down to me asking if I was okay my response was only to shout as loudly as possible, “Nothing happened! This isn’t real!” As if this is a normal response. Although it sounded more like...
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Soft kitty, warm kitty
Caught my mom talking to herself as she read an article about a cat being evicted from a hotel. She was circling her cursor over the cat’s face, like she was petting it, like it was enjoying her warmth. I was more surprised that my mom could find an article online about animals without being referred to a porn site.
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Today, in shipping news:
That moment when you realize you and your baby sister are adults discussing proper shipping of a cadaver (no used boxes, transit forms in packing slips, don’t ever open the box or TSA will fuck you up, etc.) …
This happens more often than you’d think. And we can go on for a whole half hour sometimes.
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The Mickey Mouse Diary →
So sometimes I write these inappropriate letters ….
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Truth or Dare
I ran into an old classmate/ex best friend today. And she snidely waved at me. If you can call it that. If that is possible. I was shopping at Target and she now works at the Starbucks in that Target and when she saw me exiting the premises she lifted her skeleton hand and waved in that way where her face is saying Fuck you, I work at The Target Starbucks and now that we are no longer friends I am...
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I should just be old and sassy.
It’s always on a Saturday around 4pm. I was reading Sedaris, last week it was Jeffrey Eugenides, and some time before that (probably back in August) it was Vowell and Didion, and I had to stop reading momentarily because it just so happened to be an afternoon in November where silence is somehow a treasured and misplaced convenience, like a corkscrew or the can opener. And you’d assume...
October 2011
1 post
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Color of the week: Blue
Best Goodwill find today: Hello Kitty Toaster. I now have an obnoxious desire to brand an entire loaf of bread with that damn face while listening to another great find: TLC’s Crazy Sexy Cool album. Getting my swag on while eating some cute toast? You bet!
September 2011
6 posts
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The Weight
I nestled my feet and my hands into the earth and felt the beat of my heart crash against the pounding waves – alive and swelling and known. I sit for hours, maybe minutes. Sometimes I watch the ducks swim in circles, an eruption of waves and diving bodies looking for a quick meal. They remind me of orca whales circling salmon: gathering the fish up in swooning chaos before eating their flesh and...
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Ad Stories →
OK, so a few months back I submitted a few ad stories to Matchbook Lit Mag for their experiment with Google and this week they are running one of them! So try to find me on Google!! Next week, the other ad story will be up, so I’ll post a link then.
Happy day!
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Vacation...... yeahhhhhhhh (Lil John voice)
T-minus 4 hours until I am Seattle-bound to visit the bro-sky and the dad-sky and the Dolly-sky for the week. (Count the hyphens in that sentence, kids.) Pretty stoked, been away for about a year and a half. Too long. I am still debating about hitting up Portland next weekend on the tail end up of my trip, but who knows. Until then, ta-ta followers! (Another hyphen)
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Just realized that I did not have any of my messaging enabled. Sad because I think people really, really want to talk to me.
August 2011
12 posts
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The work of my muse?
Have you ever fought a sentence? Rolled with over in your mind? Screamed for it to say ‘uncle?’ All because you didn’t want it to be true, to allow its natural progression point. You thought you could send it away or veer it in another direction. But it returns. It haunts you because the words are no longer in your control, rather creating themselves and hoping to be captured.
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Date night.
Just finished watching The Man in the Moon and I’m still bawling my eyes out. Gonna go curl up in the fetal position and not think about the fact that there is no longer wine in my fridge.
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Does 2 + 2 not equal 4?
soulandexterior:
PIE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN SEX
1,000 times yes.
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Checkmate.
She reminded me of a girl I grew up with back in Glenwood. She had a slight overbite and her mouth hung half open even while relaxing. Tall and skinny, she pushed her pelvis forward and slouched her shoulders. Her breasts sagged and she spoke with her hands: long, slender fingers that had an awkward quality to them, unnaturally flexing and tightening along with the words.
She couldn’t have been...
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In the city.
What happened to the days where a young lady could get drunk in peace on her stoop on a lovely Sunday evening? Hello, Senor Crackhead, wandering in my alleyway gabbing away on a cell phone about how you need $25 to turn on your cell phone… that you’re talking into… please don’t stab me.
Sometimes, I miss the corn and the quiet.
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Why I am the coolest person you will ever know.
Today, while quoting a hot shot for a customer, he decided to make a Star Trek reference saying, “Beam me up, Scotty.” He also thought my name was Scotty. At this I decide to open my mouth for argument because it’s just so much fun.
Me: Did you know that in the series and the movies, Kirk actually never says, “Beam me up, Scotty.” He says, “Beam us up,...
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Whip it?
Tryouts are coming up for the Omaha Roller Girls and I think I’m gonna do it. So, with that said, all that needs to be done is:
1. Re-learn how to roller skate.
2. Come up with a cool derby name. (In the works - Kelly Kapoundski)
With 13+ years of soccer under my belt, I’ve already got the hip checkin’ and bitch attitude down.
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July 2011
7 posts
1 tag
At the Laundromat
I decided to drive back to Iowa to do laundry. I did that to buy groceries, too. Somehow, I’ve rationalized that this is more convenient. Case in point: they have working coin machines in Iowa. They have 24-hour Laundromats in Iowa. I have no problem venturing out-of-state for these reasons. I also tell no one of my actions for these reasons.
They have flat-screen televisions and snack bars...
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On a hot summer night
Awkward silences came naturally. We were so full of what we wanted to say, yet lacked the courage to release it from our lips. Instead, he took my hand in his and looked into my eyes. He was calm, his brow softening. He even looked happy. His grip was gentle like his gaze and we sat like that for awhile letting the sweat bead down our necks and the bugs crawl up our legs.
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Summer: fuck off.
So I was an unsuccessful grown-up this afternoon. Big deal that I threw in the towel after 20 minutes. Listen, I can do loads of other things. I, believe it or not, can heat canned food. I can walk my dog. I can mop the floor. Just don’t ask me to find a Laundromat with a working change machine in 95 degree heat in the middle of July. My car’s air conditioning is about kaput and I don’t smell very...
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Le sigh.
I read something hilarious and instead of cackling wildly as usual, I actually thought “laugh out loud” in my head.
I hate myself.
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Career Day
OK, I don’t really make goals because usually when I do I turn into this little self-destructive nut bag and destroy my hopes and dreams usually with alcohol, Real Housewives, men, and Amazon.com. However, a change is a comin’ cats, so I have made a few “life goals” and please refer to that term loosely because I change my mind too often. In no particular order, here they...
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Is that a grey hair?
Why are there so many people born between 1992-1995 on here? Shouldn’t y’all be dancing to S Club 7 somewhere?
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Writer's Block?
Why am I singing songs by Linda Ronstadt, Bonnie Raitt, Susan Tedeschi, Grace Potter, and Janis Joplin in front of my mirror like I am lighting up a goddamn stage?
Oh, yeah, that’s right … because I am a fucking rockstar.
June 2011
19 posts
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You know you don't have the stomach of a wild,...
My sister, Casey, and I are comparing eating woes. We thought it nothing back in those glorious days of childhood to down an entire bowl of brownie batter without so much as making a brownie. We blindly gorged on hot pockets, McDonald’s french fries, and PopTarts. Halloween was like a damn bat mitzvah. We’d eat the candy in between blocks and every inch of our cupboards and pantry...
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When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.
I read somewhere that girls who lie around in panties and a tank top are incredibly sexy, so now I lie around in barely-there cottons and laces and I wistfully kick my feet in the air as my super hot Stuart Townsend-esque boyfriend walks into the room, half-surprised, half-smitten as he looks me up and down and decides that he cannot stand to be away from me a moment longer.
This is the part...
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4th and Hazel in June
Big frontal clouds move in from the north. Dark ones with white tops billowing toward the blue night sky, they move slowly with the setting of the sun. I can feel the moisture in the air, the dampness cling to my hair and shoulders. Scorching hot all day and now so cool you’d mistake the air for spring. It will be a loud storm. The thunder will shake the hills and awaken the children in the...
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Seamless: Interview with Codie Leiker →
Oh hey guysssss, it’s my interview … read? Yay!
seamlessmagazine:
What first sparked your interest in writing?
I’d have to say that it’s always been a part of me, this innate desire to just write it all down and create some kind of understanding for myself and for others. There was never a time when I wasn’t writing or creating. It has always felt very…
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