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How To Lose a Girl in 10 Minutes→

From my column Lady Bits over at Points in Case. Enjoy!



Why can’t there be …

… more William Holdens? Steve McQueens? Paul Newmans?

If I could just have a William Holden/Steve McQueen/Paul Newman, then I might shut up about a lot of things.


The Metrics: Top 5: Conversations Your Mother Uses Hand Gestures for in order to Enhance the Communication Experience→

Read this and laugh at it. Maybe throw up a little.

themetrics:

1. Talking on the telephone - She can’t just tell you that she called Grandma or that she received a call from her gyno. No, she has to bring her thumb and pinky fingers to her face and explain that she has some weird bump on her labia that her doc found and that she called up Grandma to find out…



In case y'all live under rocks and stuff, I'm famous now.→

Thanks, Court! :)



Spoof, spoof de spoof

So, recently I’ve been working on spoof articles from current fashion magazine articles. The one I just could not stop laughing at was Harper’s March issue with an interview from Tom Ford, designer extraordinaire. If I could punch Tom Ford instead of having my morning coffee, I would. Alas, I’ll just make shit up about his day-to-day activities and call him Terry Dantrow and use a model from one of his various eyewear campaigns. You can find the original article here.

- - -

MY DAY … this month … TERRY DANTROW

…17 baths, 3 baby carrots, 86 mintues of sleep, the designer shares his day with us.

  5:00AM  I am awake, usually by now and not a minute more as I like to be there for the sun rise. So I stretch like a kitty cat and get my limbs all loose and I run my fingers through my hair like a teenage girl, and when I am awake in all my glory, I take a bath.

  5:10AM  This is great, you should get one! When I was in Paris last year for fashion week, I could not stay awake for the life of me. I went to this sleep spa that some model told me about. They strip you of your clothing. No … they strip you of your life, of your physical awareness, it’s all so existential, in fact, I use it as inspiration for my collection … I digress, they throw you into this tub, an old metal food bin for cattle originally, and it is filled entirely with beans, every kind of bean you can imagine: pinto, lima, garbanzo, black, red, cocoa, coffee, and even Bush’s baked beans. You see this forehead? Not a fucking wrinkle, not one, and so I take sometimes 17 baths a day in beans.

  6:00AM  I don’t eat breakfast, I just sip on tea until it burns my tongue, and then it’s time to meet up with my trainer.

  6:05AM  Look at my body. Look at my muscles. You don’t become this beautiful overnight, so I work aggressively to maintain my appearance. I work in an industry where you are in one minute and fucking out the next, and women haven’t been buying my clothes for over 15 months for nothing. So I run on the treadmill for 2 hours or until I pass out, whichever comes first. And every other day I have a fat woman (typically a size 10, maybe 12) come sit on my abdomen to build up my core. Then, I do lunges for one hour. Then, I meditate. I like to have some pop music playing while I meditate.

  10:00AM  At this point I am starving and it’s brunch time! I usually walk into the kitchen just in my birthday suit, I like to be spontaneous, and I’ll open the fridge and stand in front of it for about an hour. I have found that imagining the food going into my body is more filling than actually consuming it. But, we, as humans, need to eat, to consume in order to live. And it is our right as human beings to live. So I will consume a small snack before I head to the office. My favorite is baby carrots and I only let myself eat three.

  11:30AM  By now I am heading into the office. Since I am based primarily in L.A. I have a driver because I can’t drive, but whenever I’m in N.Y.C. I like to walk everywhere. I typically have my driver stop at Starbucks five times on my way in so that I can refuel my energy levels. I am a mocha fiend, so I typically get a venti mocha with no whipped cream. I removed cream from my diet years ago and haven’t looked back since.

  1:00PM  When I do finally reach the office, I have my assistant, Salvatore, march behind me and read off my messages and take notes. I don’t own a cell phone or a bluetooth or whatever you want to call it. I had a friend who has an aunt who got some weird brain cancer from a satellite signal, so I never want that to happen to me and, therefore, instruct Salvatore to be my ears. And we stand everywhere. I hate sitting in an office setting because I believe it promotes laziness and a poor work ethic. Therefore, I encourage my seamstresses and PR team and fellow collaborators to be in constant motion, to challenge that office status quo, but if they must sit then they must use a medicine ball. Last year, I designed a line of medicine balls that are not only chic, but also promote overall health and a strong core. We may be stuck inside an office space, but we are not limited by these walls. Our minds and bodies are always evolving and adapting.

  3:30PM  Around this time, I will take a quick lunch break. I usually have Salvatore fetch me two teaspoons of flaxseed hummus and another venti mocha. On the rare occasion that I need to hold a lunch meeting for potential clients, I’ll hire A Whole New You Foods, Inc. to cater. They only serve organic meals in tiny portions, and they include a vitamin tasting table which features fish oil, B12, iron supplements, and Flintstone’s chewable tablets. They also set up a cleansing room where you can get an oil-based enema. Recently, they won L.A.’s Best New Business of 2011 and were featured in a variety of yoga magazines as well as GQ.

  4:00PM  I prefer to have celebrity fittings later in the day, so around this time my assistants and I will be busy organizing a collection for that special star who needs a dress for that movie premiere or awards show. This could take anywhere from 3 to 7 hours, and I love the challenge of dressing a celebrity to suit not only their personality and body, but to also address a mood in the country or around the world. Around 8 years ago, I became very involved in international politics, specifically children who were kidnapped and sold to sweatshops to satisfy the cheap labor demand for a failing American market. I noticed, however, that these children had poor sewing and design skills, and I wanted to start a fund for these children. I began the Terry Dantrow Drapery School, an institution for kidnapped children to attend where they learn various stitching styles. The school also awards a scholarship to one lucky student every year to attend FIDM in L.A. The scholarship includes housing and tuition fees for only one year because I believe you should not have things handed to you. I, Terry Dantrow, will give you the opportunity to succeed, but it is up to you to see your goals achieved and to make something of your life. For the most part, the program has done wonders for these children, but I have had to call I.N.S. more than once on those who choose to waste their life and my time and money. My point, though, is that I feel an obligation and responsibility as an influential member of the community to bring light to such turmoil and causes, and I choose to do so through clothing and personal style.

  9:30PM  After the fittings, I like to round up my work day with a series of calisthenics and what I like to call Terry Roullette. I gather my best brain stormers into my office and we begin doing squats and lunges before moving onto a series of box jumps and yoga stretches. While we are exercising our bodies, we exercise our minds by throwing out ideas for upcoming fashion seasons and events. My brain stormers, or, as I like to call them, inspiration generators, one at a time pitch ideas such as color palletes, skirt lengths, drapery styles, or even urban movements like planking and community gardening. I will either accept or deny these ideas, and Salvatore keeps tabs on a marker board that I designed along with a line of scented markers. Terry Roullette usually lasts 3 hours, sometimes 5, and by the end of these sessions I always feel stronger about my body and about my abilities as a leader and decision maker. I will end the work day with a nice bean bath in my private office bathroom.

  1:00AM  By now, I am heading out for a late dinner with my partner, Anton. We are both workaholics (he owns and operates a series of organic children’s clothing boutiques and recently launched his own line of fig leaf diapers) and this is “our time.” Our favorite dinner spot is Juan Carlito’s, a vegetarian wine bar that specializes in matching up various vegetables with organic wines. It is also one of the few establishments that operates under odd hours as they are open from 11PM to 5AM, Wednesday thru Saturday. It is quite an elite crowd of models, businessmen, movie moguls, and Russian imports. The waiting list is staunch, and you sit on a bamboo floor during your meal.

  3:34AM  By now I am exhausted and have taken my evening bath. Before I shut my eyes to rest my soul, I always thank the Lord for everything He has given me, and I also thank Him for giving me the ability to help others in their lives and ventures. Sometimes, when I am feeling very low, I just remember that maybe I was put in this world for a beautiful purpose, to create beauty from all of the ugly, to lead the way in trends and fashion-like causes.

With Peace and Love and Fashion,

Terry Dantrow




Codie Leiker is a writer with a knack for pop culture references and an obsession with Mike Rowe. Most days you can find her stumbling her way throughout the Loess Hills, watching trashy reality television, and drinking Big Gulp-esque rum and cokes on her front porch. Also, please, don't ever try to feed her. She bites.

You can find her fictional letters project, The Mickey Mouse Diary, at codieleiker.wordpress.com.

She also contributes to the disgustingly funny blog, The Metrics, at themetrics.tumblr.com.

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